Rethinking :)

NO.Actually,no.You think you changed your mind.Yep,you did.It was one of those nights when you went for a walk.Just by yourself,in the middle of the night.You were on your own even if anything would`ve happen to you.You were walking on a hill .Only you and...your music player filled with slow songs.The cold moon.The fresh air.Those beautiful blue-black clouds.Some pink strips from the twilight matched with the last golden sunbeams combined with some red and golden leaves. It seems such a commomplace doesn`t it?Well you know you can surely say it`s not true.You remember when you got on top of the hill in the end…Outta nowhere the wind started blowing trough your hair.You closed your eyes and tried to relax.And you actually did it ,you were amazed.You felt so damn free.You loved the feeling! You wanted to never end.Just like from nowhere,a halo of happiness has covered you.With your eyes still closed,you started easily smiling.And then a bright gorgeaous smile covered your face.You started laughing! You were Free! You were so free to be happy ! You felt like you could`ve fly with birds ,travel in places that you`ve never been to.You barely loved it… And then you started thinking and thinking...and then thinking again.And guess what?You started remember the beauty of the world.The beauty of a sincere smile.The beauty of a warm hug.The beauty of having a lovely family.The magic feeling of creation.The beauty of the universe.The pointless wasting of time ,time that you should`ve use doing something else than being sad..Like trying to compose new songs.Trying to draw the little world in white and black.Trying to become a better dancer.Trying to take artistic photos.Going to opera.Going to theatre.Meeting new people.Things that have changed your life since you were borned.Things that make your life better.You`ve thought that evening was a blessing.You realised that around you is a lot of stuff to do.You were so depressed before seeing that incredible view,before feeling the freedom on your skin.You`ve descovered the beauty of life again.So then after this "waking up" moment,you were like " ok.If this guy cares at least a little about this piece of nothing that we two call realationship,then he`ll do something about it" . You stopped thinking how to get things better.How to make it work better.Beacause you`ve thought of it too much,for sure.You two started to get away from each other…slowly but surely. And when you know that he doesn`t even care...you`re telling yourself...let it go.You can feel it so deeply in your soul.You are tired of sadness ,of cigarette![that you knew you can use to make you feel better].Of tears because of nothing! Aren’t you sorry now `cause you didn`t look around in time?Maybe he says he cares,but you can see the results.In that night,you stopped being dumb.You stopped belivin` every single crap that he says.Stopped getting it so into your heart.You were like "if you dude wanna leave,then leave.If you wanna stay,then stay.Beacause,as a metter of fact ,if no change will come into it ,then there`s no sense to keep it anymore like this.Take it or leave it.You are the only one that can change things “.Well yea..You know you love him.You know you care about him.You wouldn`t EVER,but ever,do anything to hurt him.So,in conclusion, you give love.You like to give love , don`t you?But what if you don`t get payoff back? What if in this "realationship" you are the only half?What if it makes you destroy your life? No answers bazed on that.But what if you wanna feel free again,right? you wanna be broadmindedness again.Don`t get it wrong ,you don`t wanna break it up.You mean,for sure,you don`t wanna break it up. You know you wanna feel much more than pain.LOVE.That`s what you want.And that`s what you`re crazy about.But you know you you`ll be ok this time.You can sleep now.You are getting better in all the stuff you wanted to do:) You`re happy.:) Anyway,the point of this post is that...you redescovered life.The beauty of the world.:)You`ll never let happines get away from you again.:)

just like a fucking drug.

I don`t know how to describe how to describe this in human words...there`s actually no way to get something that can make you feel like nothing ever,But EVER, happened to you.You know what I`m talking about.You can still remember those nights when you didn`t sleep at all.That tought just marked you so much.Well maybe you shouldn’t call it thought.You`d better call it…incident.Event.Actually,no.Idiot event.Just an idiot moment that comes like a volcano erupting in your perfect life.That makes you loose your inside peace.Makes you loose the last human part that you got. When you get angry,and then you can`t hold the tears anymore so you let`em go. When you cry and you are just wandering what did go wrong. What horrible mistake you did. Why does it happen to you?Or you`ll better say why is it happening to you again? Why do you let it controle you?Why can`t you do anything to stop that awful feeling that eats your soul on inside.You try to get away from it. But you basicly can `t. It` s barely impossible. So what do you do now? You start smoking. Well everybody, like every single person on this planet knows that smoking is not ok at all. Especially when you suffere of broken heart stuff. Any single person on this Earth would say that you have to be retarded to start having this unbreakable habit because you got a broken heart. And yes, you know that they are right. You know you destroy your health and mind when you are doing this. But you don`t care. It`s coming like a drug in your life that you can`t get away from. But you feel the peace again when you have the cigarette in your hand. It`s more easy to take the pain like this.You don`t feel your physic affected so much anymore.Now it`s all about smoke…the smoke that comes trough your nose and you just don`t wanna let it out.You wanna like…drown in smoke.You wanna know it`s over.IT` OVER.That`s what you wanna hear.Not even friends can make you stop or feel better at all.So now,for the moment,your best friends are the cigarette and the mirror.So now,what about the mirror? Yea, you are now standing in front of your mirror and talking to the person who`s in it. Your twin sister.That actually doesn`t exist,it`s only in your sick brain.You start talking to the walls,to the stars,to your teddy bear.You realize you`re getting mad.Like you need medicine .You need to be in a hospital and you really need help from somebody. And then ,when you are sitting in front of the computer and writing all this ,you realize that you are the mad person that needs help.So save yourself until is not too late.

From a teenager`s diary.PS:not mine.:))

July 31,2010

It`s crazy,how life works I mean.It`s crazy how another person can make you feel.I wonder what life would be like without feelings.Would we move faster or stay behind?I wonder if animals feel as deeply as humans do.I mean,I`m a teenager.You can only imagine how many mood swings I get per day do to feelings.They say it`s because of "puberty".Do any other species of animals go trough that?Humans are quite selfish,if you think about it.How can they feel that much? I just don`t get it.It reamains a mistery for me.


[From a teenager`s diary.]